EBR 040: He Dumped Me For Another Girl… What Do I Do?

What’s up guys?

Man it’s been a long time, hasn’t it?

Just the other day my wife was asking me,

“Chris, why did you stop doing the podcast?”

You see, my wife is now part of the “Ex Recovery Team” and deals exclusively with our YouTube channel. Apparently you guys have taken to commenting on YouTube and asking what the heck happened with the Podcast.

To be honest I really didn’t think you guys enjoyed the podcast that much but I was very, very wrong.

Hell, even I have heard a ton of feedback from people who have been listening to the podcast on the way to work. So, just for kicks I hopped over to iTunes to see if the podcast was even ranked,

Screen Shot 2016-01-22 at 7.05.11 PM

It’s ranked number 114 in the self help category of podcasts…

That’s staggering to me considering I haven’t posted a new episode in 6 months. So, I guess you guys really do like it.

And since I am here to serve you that means that I will continue to create the podcast episodes for you!

Hell, maybe in a few months we will be ranked number one in the self help section.

Anyways, lets get right down to business.

Who We Are Going To Hear From Today

We are going to hear from a woman named “Confused.”

(Side Note: Remember, that’s not really her name. It’s a handle.)

Here is a quick recap of her situation,

  • She is 22 years old
  • Her and her boyfriend had been dating for 4 years
  • She is currently 2 weeks into no contact
  • He cited a “loss of feelings” as a reason for the breakup
  • He has also gone on the rebound
  • Confused says that her relationship was perfect with him.
  • She wonders what she can do to get him back

What I Talk About Today

  • What I think was going through her exes head during the breakup
  • The importance of dating for 4 years so young
  • The attraction scale
  • How the attraction scale plays in to the strategy of getting him back
  • The ying/yang strategy

Transcription

Emcee:

Welcome to the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery podcast! Where we help you get your ex back and have the fairy tale ending you deserve! And now, your host: he’s been dubbed as the ex-whisperer, Chris Seiter!

Chris:

Hey, hey, hey what’s up?! Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve done one of these. It feels good to get back into the podcast seat and do an episode. Why haven’t I done an episode in a long time? Well, it turns out that having a baby is kind of a lot of work. Yeah. Unfortunately, we weren’t able to do the coaching that I was talking about, so much on the podcast. Probably, because the baby just took up so much time but now that things are a little bit more manageable, I’m getting back on the podcast episodes and I’ve hired on some help at Ex-boyfriend Recovery and I’ve formed kind of a team around Ex-boyfriend recovery so, it can be successful. I really want the brand to expand and I want more people to get help.

My ultimate goal here is every single person who asks a question on the website or through customer service emails or something, gets an answer from either me, my wife, our newest team member; Amor, which she’s doing an incredible job. Most likely if you ask a question in the comments section, you’ll be hearing from her. And then also my other newest member; Leah which, she likes to be called Cheese. Interesting but she’s handling all customer service emails and things have been going really great so far. A lot of people our happy with the responses they’ve gotten and I feel better because you know, I was just so overwhelmed with everything. I could finally help everyone the way I’ve always intended to help but enough about that. Let’s just get right to the episode. So, today we’re going to hear from a woman named Confused and rather than just set this up. Let’s just jump right to it.

Confused:

Dear Chris,

I’m 22 and my boyfriend of 4 years and I broke up recently. I’ve initiated the no contact rule. It’s now been two weeks and I haven’t heard anything yet. We broke up because he felt that he wasn’t sure if he’s still in love with me anymore and that’s the only factor he will admit but I found out there’s a girl he’s interested in. He saw her the day after we broke up and then three days after we broke up and I think he’s been interested in her for quite a while and I think there are also a multitude of factors that come into play about why we broke up but I think the main reason is he got drawn away by temptation and we always had the perfect relationship. We were perfectly suited. We didn’t (fight) and that’s why it was such a shock. Also, I was first for everything. First real relationship, like everything like that. I feel like because he had never done anything with a girl before he doesn’t know how lucky he was to have what we did. So, my question is, now what do I do? Seeing, as he’s pretty much already found a rebound girl while we were still together. Do I do the no contact or do I follow that, or do I follow the rebound or how do I go about it?

Chris:

Well, thank you Confused for sharing your situation. I’m definitely going to do the best I can to help you out.
Let’s do a quick recap for those of you who maybe couldn’t hear her. I know, I was editing the podcast and I noticed it was a little bit difficult to hear Confused and her situation. So, let this serve as kind of a quick recap. So, Confused is 22 years old. She’s been dating her ex-boyfriend for four years. Obviously, the relationship has come to an end now. She’s been into the no contact rule for two weeks. So, good. You know, that’s a pretty solid start to the no contact. He cited a loss of feelings on his part as a reason for the break up and immediately after the breakup he started seeing this other girl. It doesn’t seem like he’s committed to the other girl a 100% yet but it seems like that’s almost inevitable. Also, they had a perfect relationship. According to her, there was no fighting or anything like that and they were each others firsts on everything and I think I can read between the lines of what she’s insinuating there.

She’s just asking how to get him back. It’s interesting, the reason I picked this is, very recently, I actually just wrote an article about what to do if you get dumped and the guy moves on to another girl. So, what I’m going to do for all the listeners who are listening to this podcast episode; just go to the show notes of the episode and I will link to the article about being dumped. So, you can take a look at that because I think a lot of the strategy that I’m going to talk about for Confused today is going to relate directly to that article. So, rather than listening to kind of a bite sized clip where I’m just giving 20 minutes of advice. You can go to the big, long article I wrote and get the idea of what to do from there.

So, I guess the first thing I want to talk about with regards to Confused’s situation is why he broke up with her. Now, from all the stuff that she said and from all the notes I took on her situation it seems like the big points to look at here, for why the relationship ended is obviously he said he lost feelings for her and also how long they were dating. She said that they were dating for four years and she’s 22 years old. Now, I’m assuming since she said that they were each others firsts like first date, first real relationship, first kiss, probably first you know. Read between the lines there people! I’m assuming he’s not older than her. I’m assuming he’s either around the same age or a little bit younger. Let’s just operate under the assumption that he is 22 years old. Just like Confused is. So, four years, they started dating—they’ve been dating for four years rather and, they started dating when they were around 18 years old. So, that’s pretty common.

At 18 years old, a man really doesn’t know what the heck he wants. He’s still trying to figure out himself. I know, me at 18, I definitely didn’t know what I wanted. I think I was—if you were to ask me at 18 what I’d look for in a woman, I think it would just be a pretty simple answer. I want her to be pretty and that’s it. I wouldn’t think past some of the more internal aspects of relationships. And really, a personality is what makes a relationship survive over the test of time. I mean, I love my wife to death. If I couldn’t stand her, I’m not so sure if our relationship would work as well but I love her to death because her personality is just so fascinating to me.

So, here’s what I think happened Confused. I don’t necessarily think he lost feelings. I think he just started wondering what else was out there. You said that he’s never really experienced anything else because you said, you’re each other’s firsts. So, first kiss, first relationship well, eventually 4 years down the road, I mean, even at 22, he’s not necessarily the most mature person in the world. I know at 22 I still wasn’t the most mature person in the world. Maybe I was starting to learn, okay, maybe there’s more to dating than just looks. Like a typical guy would think you know.

What I think happened is, it wasn’t necessarily a loss of feelings. I think he just got curious as to what else was out there and looking for a reason to give you for the breakup he said, “Oh, I’ve lost my feelings for you.” But he’s not maybe conscious enough to understand that it’s not necessarily a loss of feelings towards how he felt about you and how he loved you. It’s sort of he’s curiosity is more interesting to him right now than his feelings for you.
Now, we can work with that. A lot of women would hear that and they get immediately upset and start freaking out like “Oh my god. He doesn’t find me interesting anymore?!” Well, I don’t think that’s the approach you should take. I think what you need to do is just understand that there’s more opportunity for improvement in a situation like this than in another situation.

So, here’s what I’m going to do. First things first, I’m going to teach you what I like to call the scale of attractiveness and from that lesson, that little quick lesson I’m going to teach you is basically going to be the strategy that I’m going to recommend for you. Alright, so Confused, listen up. And all of the listeners out there, listen up. This is important because it applies to you and anyone you ever date for the rest of your life. When you date someone, there’s always this honeymoon period. This period, at the beginning of the relationship where everything’s perfect, where you love them so much. They can’t do anything wrong and if you were to chart your relationship on a scale of 1-10. 1 being the lowest point and 10 being the highest point, obviously you’ll point it at a 10. But as time goes on, it’s just a natural thing that no relationship is ever perfect. Alright so, eventually that attractive scale or at the attractiveness that a man has towards you will kind of dip down a little bit. Maybe a 10 goes into an 8.

Well, if that scale—if enough time goes by and if you get into enough fights or little things whittle away the relationship, that attractiveness scale can get down to a point where he’s going to start thinking, “Maybe, I should look somewhere else. You know I haven’t really experienced much else in life. Maybe I should look and experience other women.” So, that’s kind of the attractiveness scale to living, breathing thing. It’s not like the number that he gives you in his own internal mind when you start dating its set forever. It’s not like you’re 10 forever. Maybe you’re a 10 for a few months and then you drop down to a 9 and then you drop down to a 7 and then you drop back up to an 8 and then it just kind of fluctuates like that but slowly but surely it goes down to the point where he looks at elsewhere but that’s okay. The important thing to remember here is the attractiveness scale doesn’t just stay low forever. It can certainly go down. It can go down more if you screw things up or you beg for him back, you act super needy or do a lot of the behaviors that I talk about what not to do but it can also go back up which is what we want. We want you attractiveness scale Confused in your ex-boyfriend’s mind—when he looks at you, you want to be higher than his current girlfriend. And that’s the premise of our strategy.

So, quick recap here. Your situation, basically he dumped you and went off to another girl. Okay, that sucks but we can work with that. In order to get him back, you need to do two things. You need to raise your attraction level on his attraction scale. Okay, there’s a number of ways to do that. I’ll talk about them in a second. But at the same time you need to lower her level. Alright, so how do you do that? How do you raise your attractive scale level for your ex-boyfriend and lower his girlfriend’s level? I mean we definitely don’t –when it comes to his ex-girlfriend rather, we don’t want to step over the line. We don’t want to try to break them up. We want that process to kind of take care of itself and I have an interesting little trick on how to do that but I’ll cover that in a second.

First things first, how do you raise your attractiveness level? Like I said, the attractiveness scale is a living, breathing thing and there’s a lot of qualities that make up what constitutes your grade or the 1 through 10 point system that you get. Maybe when you broke up with your ex-boyfriend and I don’t know what he thought of you but I’m assuming the attraction scale went down to a point where he was willing to break up with you. Maybe you were a 4. Maybe there’s certain little things that you can improve upon to fascinate him or to catch his eye but one thing is certain, time has to go by which is why I’m really glad that you’re doing the no contact rule.

Time absolutely has to go by for this to work. When this time is going by, I want you to have what I like to call an active no contact rule. Don’t just sit around and do nothing. Do things that are going to enrich your life and raise your attractiveness level. That includes things like working out, eating healthy, engaging in a new hobby, learning something new, figuring out what you want to do in life and really leveraging the holy trinity of the heath, wealth and relationships aspects of your life. If you can get those three things in line, it makes you so much more attractive to a man. I can’t even explain it to you properly. That’s how crazy this phenomenon is. I know oftentimes, women who say, they’ve just moved on from their ex, all of a sudden their ex is attracted to them. Again, it’s that law of scarcity. You know, the harder a person is to get, is the more attractive they become. It’s like anything, like gold or diamonds. The reason we find them so attractive and we want them so much is because they’re hard to find. It’s scarce. So, you need to kind of play on that rule a little bit. The law of scarcity. You need to make yourself a little bit scarce. So, your value level to him increases but I guess you want more specific advice than that.

With regards to improving yourself, I always think looks get you in the door, personality keeps you in the relationship. That’s basically how it works but still looks can go a long way to catching his eye. If his girlfriend catches him looking at you, his ex, she’s going to get insecure and freak out. So, it’s sort of like killing two birds in one stone. I always tell women, be the best version of themselves. Become version 2.0. Take it up to another notch. If you’re really healthy and work out a lot, well that’s great. Kick it up to another notch beyond that. Like I said, just focus on things that’s are going to improve your life and make you more attractive to him.
What do men find attractive? Well, looks is obvious but there’s that ungettable girl aura that you need to obtain and a lot of that has to do with the law of scarcity but a lot of it has to do with your attitude. You need to approach this in a manner where he’ll be chasing you instead of you chasing him. You want to become the one that dictates everything. You want to be the ungettable girl. You want every man that he sees you with to be in love with you because if he sees other men find you attractive, it’s again scarcity here. He’ll find you more attractive. And there’s a lot of subtle ways to do that. I talk a lot about that on my website. I know I’m not being as specific as you need me to be but I have to move it along here. There’s a 20 minute time limit and we still have a big aspect of this strategy to get to. The big aspect of the strategy obviously is lowering his attractiveness level to his current girlfriend.

Now, how do we do that? How do we lower his attractiveness level to his current girlfriend? Well, I mean we can’t. We don’t want to be kind of douchebags about it. Yes, I said douchebags. We don’t want to be douchebags about it. We don’t want to try to actively sabotage his relationship because as I’ve said multiple times on the website, the one thing that unites people more than anything is a common enemy. If you make it obvious that you are trying to breakup him and his current girlfriend, it’s going to paint you as the common enemy that him and his current girlfriend can bond over. That’s not what we want to happen. Instead, I subscribe to the theory that less is more. My dad always used to say, there’s brilliance in brevity. And that basically means you don’t have to use, like a super long explanation that explains something really simple. Less is more is basically the idea behind those brilliance in brevity.

So, how do we apply this less is more logic to lower his attractiveness level to his new girlfriend? Well, it’s really simple. You don’t really have to do much. The one thing I’ve learned over my years as a relationship consultant and as a human being is, the human mind is either your greatest ally or your greatest weakness. And in this case, it’s going to be your greatest ally and his new girlfriend’s greatest weakness. You are your ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Alright so, at some point during a relationship, assuming it lasts a long time and that’s what I’m going to assume here with you and your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. They’re going to have at talk about their previous relationships and curiosity will kill the cat in this case where your ex-boyfriend, I’m assuming he’s going to talk to his new girlfriend about you and she’ll get curious and look you up. So, all you really have to do is be there. Be a constant presence. Reach out to your ex-boyfriend in a really friendly manner. Be friends with him. That always seems to incite some fights between him and his new girlfriend.

Like I said, we want to do this without stepping over the line. So, don’t try to hit on him. Don’t be overly ambitious with this. All you really have to do is be there. Be a constant presence. Be a friend and the rest will take care of itself.The more that she gets into fights with him over this, the more he’s not going to like it. Let me just put it that way. I mean, think about it logically. I’m hoping your ex-boyfriend is not a cheater. If he does try to cheat on his new girlfriend with you, I’m sure you’ll be flattered but at the same time at the back of your mind, you’re going to wonder, “Well, why wouldn’t he do that to me? If I just took him back he’ll probably do the same thing to me.” But, let’s assume your ex-boyfriend’s a good guy and he likes to remain friends with his exes after a breakup.

There’s this preconceived notion that no one should remain friends with their exes after a breakup and you’re going to hope that his new girlfriend has this kind of logic. You’re going to hope that she doesn’t believe that exes should be friends because if he’s trying to be friends with you and you’re a constant presence with messaging him and she’s obviously probably going to take notice and it’s going to cause fights and in his mind, if the more she fights him on it, the more he’s going to think “She doesn’t trust me.” and the more he thinks that she doesn’t trust him, the lower her attractiveness level becomes. So, like I said, brilliance in brevity. Less is more here. You don’t have to go out of your way or do some crazy ass thing okay? Just keep it real simple. It doesn’t have to be super complicated. Like I said, just be present. Be a constant presence for him without overstepping your boundaries. That’s probably the best strategy I can give you.

So, Confused, I’m really sorry that’s happened to you. I really am. If you have any questions please visit the website, ask. Someone will get around to you eventually. Now, I know in the past I wasn’t really great an answering people. It’s overwhelming when you have a really large audience and they all want individual help. So, I’m trying my best to find a way to provide that for you guys. And if you haven’t subscribed to this podcast already, please do. I’m trying to make a commitment here to do this once a week because I know that’s amazing to me, how little I would update it and how popular it became. I mean people were asking, “Chris, when are you going to do a podcast again? I love listening to it on the way to work.” Or something like that so, here it is. Podcast is beginning again. I hope this was an interesting episode for you. Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how happy I am to have created this community and I have some really exciting things planned for the future. One of the most exciting things is I’m going to be doing a forum where you guys can interact with each other and help each other. I really want this to become a community. I really want us all to become a community to help each other to either recover an ex-boyfriend, get him back or recover from an ex-boyfriend. Get over him, move on, and enrich your life in some way. I want this to be that kind of a website. Anyways, that’s kind of in the future. Thanks for listening to this episode. This is Chris Seiter and I’m signing off. Sayonara!

Emcee:

Thanks for listening to the ex-boyfriend recovery podcast at www.exboyfriendrecovery.com.

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8 Comments on EBR 040: He Dumped Me For Another Girl… What Do I Do?

  1. EBR Team Member: Amor // January 25, 2016 at 9:17 am //

    Hi Noodles!

    Yea, you can go ahead and contact him on day 31. :) I think he did that so he won’t be able to see your snapchat posts anymore.

  2. Got into a fight with the boyfriend, well, not really a fight. Just a disagreement/misunderstanding. I walked out before I could say anything rash and he ran up to me and hugged me before I completely walked out and said he was sorry. The next morning I apologized and he ignored so I began NC, kinda, without realizing it. I sent a couple snaps of generic things, he never answered. Every day he looked at my snapchat stories. On day 9 or 10 of NC he reached out to tell me congrats about my new job. I just said “Thanks” and he didn’t reply. On day 19 he looked at my snapchat story really late at night(It was a picture of me saying “No don’t paint yourself as a cat” being silly), then deleted me as a friend out of no where. I kind of chalk it up as a mantrum but I’m unsure. I figure if he was truly indifferent he would have just left things alone and stopped looking at my stories. So here I am 22 days going strong except for the job reply slip up. Thoughts on this situation? Despite my slip up should I just go ahead and contact him on day 31? Is there any meaning to him deleting(not blocking) me on *just* snapchat 3/4 of the way through NC and not deleting/blocking me on any other fronts?

  3. EBR Team Member: Amor // January 25, 2016 at 11:04 am //

    Hi Shai,

    First, don’t be too forward about getting him back because he will side with his new girl, especially if they in honey moon phase now. Be a source of happiness and positivity for him but don’t force it. If you have places like church that you would bump into each other, make sure to look your best and let him approach you. the goal is to keep him connected so you can establish that you are the better choice.

  4. EBR Team Member: Amor // January 25, 2016 at 11:42 am //

    I think you can try reaching out again

  5. My ex and I dated for 2 years and lived together as friends 2 years before we dated. Our story is that my ex lost his job and moved back home which put us in an LDR. After he found a new job I was going to move with him. The job he has lined up fell through and he started thinking about going back to college. After he told me about going back to school he started to become distant. The last weekend I spent with him he talked about marriage. A week later we got into a fight and he ignored me for a week. When he finally called it was to break up. He started dating a girl that he was friends with, I have met her several times. I always trusted him and didn’t ever think he would fall for this girl. (She is a Tom boy with masculin mannerisms, I am more of a girly girl but not high maintnense)

    After we broke up I did ask him to reconsider and did beg. We only texted on 2 different days after the break up. I went into 30 days NC, then sent him a text with no response. ( I think I was blocked) waited two weeks and sent an email with no response. I went into another 30 days no contact and have a few days left. Do I just continue with an extended no contact or try reaching out again.

  6. Hey guys…. I feel so lost, with regards to my ex. We dated for 2 years, and he broke up with me unexpectedly around 3 months ago. From a few friends, and my own observation, he started spending time with a new girl only DAYS after our breakup. They still spend a LOT of time together, and it’s obvious that they like each other, but they’re not “facebook official” yet. I don’t know why. He thinks I don’t know that she exists (my snooping has been very discreet).

    After a couple weeks of trying and failing no contact, I decided to complete it. 30 days later, I broke it with one of your recommended texts. I got a positive response, and my ex and I have been texting almost every day for a month, now. I put more effort into our conversations than he does, and I’m hesitant to try to meet up with him, when he’s so obviously into this other girl, and barely wanting to talk to me.

    I don’t know how to make him more invested into talking to me, and I don’t know how to compete with this other girl. She’s two years younger than my ex and I, she’s a lot prettier than me, and she agrees with him on more politics than I do.

    I don’t know if he lined her up before breaking up with me, or what… Needless to say, I’m pretty discouraged. I haven’t mentioned our past relationship, or his relationship with her.

    What can I do?

  7. EBR Team Member: Amor // January 25, 2016 at 1:29 pm //

    Hi Lillian,

    If he really is not good in relationships, he will still be if ever he finds another. For me yes, since you tried to talk to him but it didn’t have a good result.

  8. So, this is one of the things I am really worried about :/
    Me and my ex have been on and off again. At the moment we’re off. We got back together for a few months but then he just started taking me for granted. He just doesn’t seem to know how to be in a relationship or what to do. When we’re just hanging out, things are great, but if there are any problems then he just shuts down and then says its over. Which is what just happened. If there had been no argument then we woukd have continued on as usual and everything would be fine. I love him to pieces but I don’t know what to do. Its like he has no idea how to face and resolve problems.
    But at the same time im so worried that he will find someone else and then everything will be fine wuth them because it just magically works.
    I tried talking to him about these problems he has when he broke up with me, but I don’t know if he’ll ever change. He said he would talk to me today and I said I’d rather he talked to me next week.
    I’m not sure whether to go straight into no contact or have the talk in a few days and go into no contact.

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