1. The overwhelming feeling of futility because ARGH why does this all have to be so hard? At this point, I’ve resigned myself to a life of Miss Havisham-ery. Or Edie Beale-ery. Except not sure if I’m hardcore enough to deal with that many cobwebs.
2. Wanting to name your memoirs I Think We Both Know This Isn’t Going Anywhere. Weirdly enough, this is applicable to many, many more occasions than that one time you accidentally matched with a college senior. You swipe. You have maybe 20 lines of conversation. After that, to quote myself (so Kanye), “every date is a new opportunity to meet someone once and never see them again.”
3. Deleting and re-downloading. And deleting. And re-downloading. The hook of these stupid things is that “true love” ::in a used car salesman’s voice:: might just be a swipe away, folks! FML. Oooh, he’s cute!
4. Commiserating with your other single friends so you can be unhappy together. Still technically alone, but nothing brings people together like mutual failure, so I guess Tinder is good for something after all.
5. Finding yourself unable to get excited about anyone, no matter how 💯 their pics/bio/the conversation is. Should I see a doctor about this? Or should I test the limits of human cynicism and develop a shell so thick only 100 percent, USDA-certified Grade A love will ever be able to penetrate it, unleashing a Mount Vesuvius of pent-up feelings?
6. Developing an even better sense of humor because what else can you do but laugh? There are really only two extremes: “Who cares?” And “LOLOLOL he’s said getting back together with his ex.”
7. Gaining a keen understanding of Instagram irony. As in “Need to find somebody to get off apps/Need apps to find somebody.” What a time to be alive.