You swipe your phone to find…the dreaded dick pic. Don’t know what to say? We’re giving your 20 clever ways to respond to an unsolicited member.
With Snapchat and Tinder gaining in popularity *thanks to desperate serial daters and genuinely-seeking singles alike* there really is no avoiding it.
Avoiding what, you ask? The dick pic. The phallic photo. The cock shot. That image of someone’s private parts hanging out from outside their boxers, or that naked below-the-belt photo in the bathroom. Whether it was a booty call sext, a drunk ex, or a well-endowed prick *pun intended* we have all received an unwanted dick pic at some point.
The thing with all these willy-nilly noodles flapping all over our smartphones is that there’s too much of the unwanted, unsolicited, and not to mention tasteless ones popping up. Women like dick, alright, but not via an in-your-face photo. As if a picture of a dick would make women automatically want to have sex with the sender.
Return to sender
If you’re one of those women who keeps getting dick pics or are scared your cock-shot-virgin eyes will set their sights upon one soon, then here are 20 clever and classy ways you can respond to an unwanted “schlong-fie.”
#1 Retaliate. Respond with a better-looking dick pic. Really, what is it about his dick that’s so amazing that he thinks you’d date him based on a two-second view? Get his ego back to earth and punch it smack in the face with an image of a bigger, better-looking dick. [Read: Why are men so obsessed with their penis size?]
#2 Banana-rama. Take the metaphorical route and send a very morbid message to him. Take a picture of a banana or a weiner, for example, being sliced to pieces, or a phallic-looking tree being cut down with a chain saw. There’s nothing like an aggressive GIF or photo to send him a clear message: “Never send me dick pics—ever again!”
#3 Ridicu-LOL. Send him a simple “LOL.” It’s cold, it’s simple, and it’s effortless. Those three letters are enough to ridicule him and leave his ego damaged. Then, stop responding to all of his messages or, heaven forbid, a slew of more phallic pics.
#4 Point-and-shoot. Send a picture of yourself laughing and pointing directly at the camera—at him. Or you can also send a GIF or a photo of a hilariously, uncontrollably laughing character.
#5 Meme it. Send him back a meme to express your disgust and distaste. The interwebs is filled with memes—you can definitely find one that exactly expresses your thoughts and feelings about getting an unwanted cock shot.
#6 Pinch-to-zoom. Let him know that him sending you a photo of his dick allowed you to test out the pinch-to-zoom feature on your phone. Send him something like, “Wow, that’s it? Thanks, I now got to try the pinch-to-zoom feature on my new phone,” or “I had to zoom in to actually see what you got there. Ha!” This will be a blow to his ego, especially if he thinks that him hanging out is all that.
#7 Bigger, better. Tell him you’ve seen bigger. Or send him another GIF or photo of you raising your pinkie, a small pickle, or a short ruler.
#8 You’ve seen better. If him sending you a dick pic on the get-go shows just how much of an ass he is, then show him you’ve seen better. Send back a pic of you holding your bae’s dick, or even that of an ex’s, to show that his doesn’t pass the grade. Be careful to hide your face, though.
#9 Hairless ferret. “Is that a hairless ferret?” or “I didn’t know you have a hairless ferret for a pet.” If he’s feeling frisky, that can definitely kill the mood.
#10 Toothless mole rat. This can definitely make him regret peacocking his cock around without even so much as asking you for permission. Laugh and ask him if he just sent you a pic of a toothless mole rat.
#11 Own it. Tell him you have your own, then send him a picture of you with a realistic but fake dick. If you don’t have props, then Photoshop is your friend. The bigger, the better. Surely he’s not going to bother you anymore, after that.
#12 Cry over it. Nothing else can mess his mind more than a picture of you crying hysterically. Were you crying because his dick was so small? Or was it because his dick was so otherworldly beautiful? Well, he’ll never know. Because you won’t talk to him again.
#13 Child pornography. Compare his penis to that of a child, and respond with, “Hey, child pornography is a felony.” If that won’t wound his insensitive ego, it will at least trigger a red flag to the NSA. [Read: 8 best sex positions for men with smaller penises]
#14 Social media mayhem. Look him up on social media and tell his mom—or his girlfriend. Screenshot all of your conversations and send them over via direct message. Be careful not to make a bad situation worse by posting it publicly on their walls.
#15 Publicity. If he’s too public with his dick by sending a photo of it to someone he barely even knows, then give him what he wants, and help him save time. Publish his cock shot in a blog or via social media, but be sure to blur out his and your names and numbers for privacy purposes.
#16 Not impressed. Those two words can kill it for him. After all, he probably sends unwanted phallic photos because he thinks women are as impressed with his dick as he is. Well, responding with a curt “not impressed” will keep him from taking below-the-belt photos for a good, long while.
#17 Virtual ambiguity. Respond with something ambiguous, like, “Hehe, cute.” Then don’t respond to him anymore, or endure a few days of badgering you about what you meant before you block him. Nothing like something confusing to keep him up at night.
#18 No, thanks. Say, “No, thanks.” Or better yet, send a GIF, clip, or meme that says just that. Tell him you are just not interested, using those two simple words. Besides, even if he asked you if he can send you a snap of his genitalia, you’d still have said the same thing.
#19 Spread the dick. Ah, the internet has given birth to places and sites where unthinking people that abuse technology belong, and people who send unwanted dick pics are no exception. You can send one that you’ve received over to http://dickpixudidntwant.tumblr.com. Maybe he’ll be famous there.
#20 Educate him. If he just sent you an unsolicited pic of his private parts, then he may be doing it to other women, too. Therefore, educate him be replying with a link to the article, “An open letter to men who send unwanted dick pics.”
The unsolicited dick pic is today’s catcall, the bane of the internet and mobile app dating. Not all women like it, they don’t typically ask for it, and they won’t be turned on instantly by it. Men hooting at women with their schlong doesn’t create an instant connection or suddenly spark attraction. More funny, disgusting, and traumatic than sexually stimulating, a dick pic can just leave women shocked.
A tip for all guys out there: before you even think about pulling your pants down and showing off your manhood, be sure that you get the mood going first. In addition, remember: you must always. ask. for. permission. If she says, “no,” she really means no.
Original article by LovePanky.com: 20 Clever Ways to Respond to an Unwanted Dick Pic.
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